Do you want to be happy? When? How often?

I want to be happy always, every moment. I know it may not sound practical, but given a chance I would prefer to be so.

If you are a parent, what do you think will bring happiness?

Obviously, my kids. Their happiness, their success in every step of life, their growth in academics, extra- curricular activities, social behavior, higher studies, career, married life and so on.

So is your happiness dependent on your kids performance in every phase of their life?

Yes, very true. That will be the biggest gift they can give me.

If you are a student, what do you think will bring happiness? 
I will be happy, when 

--> My parents love me and accept me the way I am.

--> I am allowed to go out with my friends to parks, films. restaurants, etc.
--> I get all that I want.
--> I score good marks and top the ranking list
--> I am appreciated for my work.

Let us see a real life incident, happening in many cities nowadays.

Mother- Gita;               Teacher- Govind                      Son/Student- Rohan in 7^th standard

Gita :               Rohan, take your books and finish your home work.

Rohan :           OK Ma. (He finishes). I finished Ma.

Gita :               Take your English and maths books. Learn the first 5 chapters; your exams are next week.

Rohan :            Ma, I’ll play for some time, please. We revised 2 chapters in school, today. I am sure of it, I’ll study after an hour Ma, please…

Gita :               (In a little harsh tone) I know what revisions you do in school… it is of no use… open your books and start studying now.

Rohan :            Ma, we had test also after revisions, I got 19/20 in English and 18/20 in maths. Please, I’ll play and then study.

Gita :               (Angrily) In this small revision tests, you lost few marks; in annual exams, I doubt if you will score well. If you continue in this rate, I don’t know what marks you will get in your public exams in higher classes?? If I think of your future, I get so nervous. Your cousin scored state rank last year, now you need to show the family who you are. I have huge hopes on you, don’t disappoint me. (In a firm and rigid tone) Now start studying, no more arguments!!!

Rohan :            (Left with no other option), sits with books open in front of him.

The next day in school.

Govind :           Rohan, did you do your home work? Did you learn anything yesterday?

Rohan :            Yes Sir, I did. Can I ask you a question Sir?

Govind :           (Very affectionately) Sure, tell me.. any problem?

Rohan :            (In a very low voice) Why should we study Sir?

Govind :           What? Only if you study now, can you score well in your exams. Your parents earn so hardly and send you to school, if they see you performing well, how happy would they feel…? The best gift you can give them is making them happy by studying and scoring well.

Rohan :            Sir, so am I studying only to make my parents happy?

Govind :           It is also useful for your future, to get admission in a good college which will further help you to get into a good job.

Rohan :            And then Sir?

Govind :           That’s all, your pay scale will be high, you will be able to buy everything and live comfortably in life. You will be happy, watching you grow, your parents will be even more happy.

Rohan :            So, the end result of studies is happiness Sir?

Govind :           (With a smile) Yes, my boy. What else do we need in life..?

Rohan has understood deeply that the happiness of his parents strongly depends on his performance. He works very hard. He is expected to get into IIT. In his final exams in 12th standard, he scores 98% but loses his eligibility into IIT by 5 marks. He is in his school with the mark sheets in hands.

Rohan :            (Thinking) Should I go home? When my parents know that I am not eligible for IIT, I am sure they are going to be depressed. My parents did everything they could for me, but I could not score a little more, I will be the reason for their sadness in life, how can I face them? My mother sacrificed her job for me, my father paid high fees in reputed tuition centers for me but what did I do? I just could not give them that little happiness. All my cousins are into famous reputed colleges, I have failed in it. I am a loser.

He cries all alone and finally takes a decision-------> To  commit  suicide.

******************************************************************

Now, why did the boy take such a decision? Is it because he failed in getting into IIT?

NO, it is because of his fear towards his parents. He was unable to face them. According to him, success gives happiness and failure gives pain, which he learnt from his parents. He knew that he would not be accepted by his parents, he felt rejected. He strongly believed that he was the cause of their pain and sorrow. This guilt made him to take such a drastic decision.

There is no doubt that children should study sincerely, work hard and score good marks. It is very important for their future. But, never ever make our kids feel, that their marks are the source of our happiness. Now, it becomes more of a pressure to them. Kids cannot perform well under pressure.

As a parent (at home or work place), can we work at our best, when we are pressurized? Do we prefer it?

It is high time, that we all understand what gives us happiness. In fact, we should clearly be aware of what gives us what.

We all need to

Study ---> to score good marks

Marks ---> promotion to higher classes (with distinction)

Good % in higher classes ---> admission into good colleges ---> placement in MNC/ reputed companies (my first job) or admission in universities abroad for higher studies.

High salary/ money

·         ---> to buy various things like house, land, cars, fridge, TVs, sofa set, AC, iPad, Tablets, gaming consoles, camera, all sophisticated gadgets, etc.

        --->travel throughout  the world

        --->pay fees, rent

        --->buy all that money can buy

Accomplishments/ awards ---> gives us recognition/ fame/ popularity/ promotions

Food --->satisfies hunger, gives taste

Water  ---> quenches thirst

Bed/ Sofa/ AC/ fridge  ---> gives comfort

Cars/ iphones  ---> commute/communicate

All physical things serve their own physical purpose. Nothing external (items, achievements, possessions) can create happiness in us.

We often rely on such things to make us feel happy. Example:

•   I will be happy if I get a Honda car
•   I will be happy if I get that new expensive dress
•   I will be happy if I live in US
•   I will be happy only if I get married.
•   I can be happy only if I get a very tasty and delicious meal.

 All these physical items/happenings can never create happiness in us, if it can, then all people having a Honda car must be happy or all people in US must be happy, does it happen so? Are all married people happy always? Well, that’s a different story altogether 

Say, I got the new dress which I wanted and there are many people appreciating that dress, like, “what a nice dress, the material is very good, the design is unique, it suits you so well” and so on. But, there may be people who comment negatively like, “This doesn’t go so well with you, it is old fashioned” and so on. Now, the same dress which I thought made me happy, has now become a cause for my sadness. Then I go to other people and ask, "my dress is nice na? It costs Rs20000...." until people reaffirm that my dress is wonderful. So, what am I doing? Literally begging people for appreciation, so that I am happy. Indirectly, I am standing like a beggar asking people for my happiness. :(

With regard to relationship,

•  I will be happy, if you finish your work on time.
•  I will be happy, if you score above 95%.
•  I will be happy only if you become a doctor
•  I can be happy only if you adjust with me
•  I can be happy only if you help me
•  I can be happy only if you try to understand me
•  I can be happy only if you get promoted and earn more
•  I can be happy if you dress well and look smart
•  I can be happy only if I am being appreciated by all or at least from my close friends and family.

 We always want other people to change, understand and adjust according to us but when the same is expected from us, we feel “why should I do it always?” Other people, be it, our children/ spouse/ in-laws/ parents/ friends/ colleagues, will always be different from us. To have good relationships always and always remember, "Nobody is right or wrong/ good or bad, we are all different" and we need to accept this fact. The sooner we accept, the happier we will be.

We should always remember, “People and situations will never be according to my definition of right or according to any general definition of right.” People will always behave in a way, they feel is right, which I may feel it wrong. The moment we understand them from their perspective, then we will be able to empathize them, this is called compassion.

For me to be happy, I can only think about what I can do, to stay happy and not what others should do. The moment I rely on others for my happiness, I start losing it.

Some of us, in order to be happy, we

•   Watch films, Listen to music
•   Go for shopping/ outing
•   Go to restaurants/ hotels

Watching films/ TV programs serves as a means of entertainment.

Shopping/ outing gives us a change in atmosphere.

Hotels- change in food.

None of these create happiness in us. If they create, are we always happy when we do any of these?

"If you wait for happy moments, you'll wait forever,

But if you start believing that you are happy, you will be happy forever."

Is there anything physical/ external, that is permanent/ never changes at all?

NO.

Then, why do we rely on them for our happiness? We need to clearly understand what and why we perform many activities in life. If we perform it in a happy state of mind, we will enjoy doing it, hence we are happy and will radiate happiness to people around. If we like to sing, when we do so, we are happy. If we like to draw, we remain happy while doing so.

But life is unpredictable. There are many things in life that we need to do, whether we want to or not. So we first need to understand why we are doing it and then do it. If we don’t try to understand the reason, we end up grumbling or create a victim feeling, like “poor me, I have to do this for them, I don’t want to do, yet I am doing only for their happiness” and so on.

Example:

1.       I am currently working in an IT firm and I like my job. After my marriage, my in-laws want me to take care of all household works. They do not want me to work. My husband also feels the same. Since I am interested in working, I explain to them that I can very well manage home and office. I try to do my best in both. Yet I feel that there are misunderstandings in family as I am still going to work.

Now, I have a choice.

1.       I either need to convince my family gently about my preference, it’s financial reasons and see if it works out.   (OR)

2.       I understand that my relationship with my husband and in-laws is more important to me and I decide to quit.       (OR)

     3.       I just continue to work, irrespective of any problems in my relationship because my career is important to me    (OR)

     4.       I just can’t tolerate the fights within my family, I want peace. So just for their sake, I quit my job.

In either 1 or 2, the choice that I make is for my own happiness.

In 3, I give more priority to my work than to my relationship. Here, I will be filled with hatred towards my family and there cannot be happiness in a place where there is no love.

In 4, I blame others for my decision, “quitting the job”. Hence I will be repenting for it later in my life which is surely not going to give me happiness.

Hence my decision is my choice and when I understand that, I will be happy in whatever I do.

2.  I am a student and there are options for me to choose my main stream subjects: pure science, computer or commerce. My parents are doctors, so they want me to choose pure science. I am good in drawing too. But I want to become a CA, so I want to choose commerce. My parents force me to take pure science as they feel I am capable of it but I am interested in commerce. Again it is my choice:

·   I either convince my parents that since I am interested I will be able to do my best in it. As it is my decision, I will be responsible and study sincerely.   (OR)

·   Since my parents know my capability better, I understand that their decision will be best for me. I also feel that they will be able to help me better.    (OR)

     ·  I blindly opt for the subject I am interested in without any discussion with my parents.   (OR)

     ·  I don’t want to disappoint my parents, so I blindly opt for their choice, for their satisfaction.

In the first 2 choices, I completely understand what and why I am choosing a subject. I am clear and stable within. Hence I know my decision is my choice and so I will do it happily.

In the last 2 choices, I take a decision just out of an emotional outburst, which is filled with irritation/ selfishness/ victim feeling. So in these 2 cases I cannot be happy.

3. I am married and I love my husband and in-laws. I love my family and I am happy. Suddenly, I feel my husband is not happy with me. He finds excuses and neglects me. Then I come to know that he is in an affair with someone else. I still try to talk with him patiently and explain to him how much I value this relationship. I truly understand that any new relation needs time to blossom, so I do my best and wait patiently for him to change. Six months passed and yet there seems no change. My parents want me to apply for a divorce as they feel that my life is being ruined. But I personally want to wait for some more time and give a chance, as I feel he is good at heart but currently is distracted. I still continue to be true to him and family, yet there is no change after four months. Now my parents are ready with all formalities for a divorce and are determined in it. I still have a soft corner for him and feel that he will change. Now, again I have a choice

·  I listen to my parents as I know that their intentions are pure and want me to be safe. I have also waited for him for long and I don’t find any positive change in him. My parent’s happiness and peace is more important for me. So, I apply for a divorce.  (OR)

·  I strongly feel that he will change as I love and believe him completely. If at all, he decides to leave me later, then I will be responsible for my future, as this decision to be with him was mine. I will not regret it in future.   (OR)

     ·  I blindly obey my parents as I don’t want to see them in more pain. I apply for a divorce just for their happiness.   (OR)

     ·  I decide to stay with him irrespective of others opinion and strongly believe that he will stay with me forever. I just cannot even imagine of being separated from him.

In first 2 choices, I have thought patiently about the pros and cons of my decision several times and after considering all possibilities, I take my decision. People may suggest me many options but my decision is my choice. Hence whatever I do, I will do it with confidence and will not regret/ worry/ feel bad about it later.

In the 3^rd option, I blame my parents for my decision, so I will keep repenting about it later, which is not being happy. This is the reason why many of us blame our parents for what we are today.

In the last option, I neglect or don’t have the power to accept his choice. If he chooses another person, instead of me, I will collapse internally.

If we take a decision and act with the feeling that, “I am left with no option, I have no choice except to do this”, then I will slowly start regretting for my action later in life. I will start blaming my family, friends, in-laws and others for the problems I face, which are not true. By blaming others, I am only trying to escape from the situation, which is impossible. I will then start feeling myself as a victim to the situation like, “poor me, what else can I do, I was forced to do this, it was no fault of mine but I am facing the consequences, I deserve much more than this, why me?” and so on. With this victim feeling when I talk to others, there will be many who will re-confirm that I am right, which will further worsen my mental peace. These negative feelings are sure to pull us down in life.

Hence in any given situation in life, we need to sit and think patiently as to what is my priority in life. Is it relationship or career? Is it family or only myself? Is it financial status or comfort? Depending on the situation, we need to first remain calm and stable within, then, analyze and understand the advantage and disadvantage of our choices. We need to feel responsible for our actions and decisions, only then can we do our best and have a positive view of life.

In any given situation (which we call “problem”) in life, we always have a choice and we need to understand this.

Desires, expectations and comparison are a huge hindrance to our happiness.

Desires are the “wants” that we create in our mind. We can have desires in life but don’t make our happiness dependent on those. I may want to buy a table or a dress or want to win a game or want to go abroad for higher studies/ work. All such desires are good and will motivate us to do our best. But if we do not get what we wanted, we should have the mindset to understand that we have done our best and leave the results to God. We can also analyze on our performance, make corrections if any, and try again. We cannot get all that we want but we can be contented with all that we have (in terms of materialistic possessions).

We create an image of a person/ situation in our mind and assume that he/she will be like that image; this is called expectation. We can expect from people, provided we have the mindset to accept it’s outcome. When we expect high marks from our kids, we need to know their capability first. Before every expectation, we need to understand the other person from his perspective. We expect a lot from our spouse and when they are not met, we are unable to accept them. This causes pain. Let us not create an image about other people in our minds and then expect that they should match with that image. It is impossible to match. We should accept people the way they are, rather than to expect. Acceptance is the key to be free of mental pressures.

When can expectations affect us?

1. When people don't behave the way I want

2. When work does not happen as per my plan

3. When situations in life are unfavorable to me (does not happen the way I want)  

Practically, 

Can all people around me (friends/family) have the same opinion like mine? 

Can everyone have the same attitude like mine?

Can everyone have the same like and dislikes like me?

Can all of us think the same way, all the time?

 Definitely NO. 

So, can people have their own definitions of right and wrong? YES
Again, let me state, "Nobody is right or wrong/ good or bad, we are all different"
When we all know that people are unique in their own way, it is easy to accept them the way they are. Acceptance means to completely accept them as an individual (not branding them like "a loser", "a slow coach", "dirty goose", "fit for nothing", etc) and try to correct them affectionately, if we feel their action is not good for them.

We expect friends/ family to like our posts/ status/ photos on facebook. We always expect people to appreciate us. It does not matter if it is true or not. When we prepare a dish with love for our spouse, we expect him/ her to say, “it is delicious, yummy ” or at least stay quiet. Even if it was not good, we expect this “little” from him/her. If someone was honest with us and says “this time it was not that good”, we are unable to accept it.

Are we so powerless that we depend on people’s lies for our happiness?

Don't we have the attitude to listen and accept the truth? 
Never let the comments of other people affect us in any way. When someone comments negatively, we just need to check their statements. If it is true, then we need to change else, just ignore. People are bound to have their own opinions about us.

The opinion that I hold about someone, depends on my mindset and not on the other person.

The lesser is our desires and expectations, the happier we will be.

Comparison is due to the lack of self respect We should analyze, understand and accept our strengths and weaknesses. We should gauge ourselves first. Never compare with others and feel we are not good. All of us are unique in our own way.

Now we understand that HAPPINESS lies within us always and it is our choice how much we make use of it. If we make it dependent on external things which are not in our control or which are bound to changes, then our happiness is also bound to fluctuate, means, sometimes sad, sometimes angry/ irritated, sometimes happy. When we truly accept that the decision we take is our choice depending on our priorities, we will be happy in whatever we do.

All emotional feelings are self created (in my control) and all external (body related) feelings are due to external factors(not in my control).

Emotional feelings- happiness, love, peace, trust, understanding, concern, sadness, worry, anger, etc.

External feelings- feeling warm, cold, pain, numbness, tingles, etc.

At times, depending on the situation we create anger, sadness, worry, tension, depression and many such feelings. I am sure none of us are comfortable with these negative feelings.

When we are filled with those, we need to quickly stop and think what caused it, what were the thoughts within is due to which we created such feelings. Then, we need to find alternate ways of approach to the same situation and prepare us better emotionally.

We should not try to escape from our emotions, not continue to live with that self pity/ victim feeling and definitely not leave it to TIME. If we do so, it will get deeply ingrained in our consciousness and every time any situation occurs, that impression will get created and our sadness becomes our prevailing mood.

“Time is the best healer”, this is a very common statement, but is it true? Along with time, we need to change ourselves emotionally. Only time cannot help us out, until and unless, we try to help ourselves.

For example: Many people, when depressed, try to escape from it by drinking alcohol/ smoking, some watch movies/ listen to songs, there are many who just work continuously, in order to divert their minds from the emotion. All these methods only give a temporary change but will not resolve the problem. So, we need to face the emotion, accept it and take the responsibility of changing it.

Happiness is within us always, we just need to activate it. We need not search for it anywhere outside. Let us not make our happiness dependent on physical entities which is ever changing. All emotions and feelings like happiness, love, compassion, purity, understanding, caring, patience, etc are created by us. No one outside or nothing external is responsible for my feelings.

A man asked a sculptor: How do you make such beautiful idols from stone?

He replied: Idols and images are already there, I remove the unwanted stone only.

Message is: “Happiness is hidden within us, we only need to remove the worries”.

THANK YOU!!!!

Many blogs related to true values and principles are in the below page. Click on and enjoy... Read it, experiment it, accept it, own it and please do SHARE it with one and all!!!

https://www.facebook.com/TrueValuesandPrinciples/
http://a-new-way-of-living.blogspot.in/