What
is child abuse?
Children when misused either
physically/ verbally/ emotionally, it is called child abuse. If a child is not
comfortable with what has happened with him/ her, it is exploitation and is
counted as child abuse. The effects of physical abuse are more intense and may
affect the emotional, mental and social growth of the child.
Here
is a real life incident which happened several years ago in a family with
mother, father, brother and sister in an apartment (flat). The brother of the mother (the children’s uncle) also lived in the next
house in the same apartment. They were a very happy, understanding, helping and
a fun loving family.
The
children, boy was in 2nd standard (grade) and the girl was in 6th
standard (grade).
Mother: Children, am going out. Just take your
school bags, go to your uncle’s house and keep doing the home work. I’ll be
back soon.
(The
children did as they were told. The next day..)
Son: Ma, I finished my home work, can I
go and play with my uncle?
Daughter: Ma, me too, can I also go?
Mother: Ok, but don’t disturb him. If he is busy,
come back home.
(Both of
them played for an hour and returned home. There was a family function the next
day and all had planned to go. The daughter had an exam, so the family decided
to send her to her uncle’s place. The next day everyone left and the daughter
returned from school and went to her uncle’s house. The uncle, used this chance
and tried to misbehave with the child. She somehow managed and ran away to her
friend’s place. She returned home only after confirming with her parents over
phone, that they have returned.)
Mother: (to daughter) I asked you to stay in your
uncle’s place, why did you go to your friend’s house?
Daughter: (filled with fear) Ma, I’ll tell you but please
don’t tell it to anyone Ma, please…
Mother: Ok, tell me.
Daughter: Ma, I went to uncle’s house first. We played
for some time, then he hugged and kissed me. I was not comfortable… (In
tears..) he was rude.. he was not nice to me..
Mother: What nonsense are you talking? Do you know
about whom you are talking? He loves and cares for you a lot, how can you speak
like this? From whom did you learn all these?
Daughter: No ma, I am telling the truth. I felt scared
and that’s why I went to my friend’s house.
Mother: So you find your friend to be better than
your uncle, right? I know him for long, he has been helpful to us for many
years.
(Angrily..) Just go to sleep.
Don’t tell lame reasons..
The next
day, uncle came to the girl’s house. She ran away and hid in her room but he
was very normal.
Mother: (telling her kids) both of you play with
uncle.
Daughter: (shouted) No way, I don’t like him..
(The mother
slapped her and narrated the story, (which her daughter said) to uncle.)
The
daughter avoided him and lost trust in her mother. She grew up to be a lady of low self-esteem, who
hated men and who could not trust people. She hated her mother for her betrayal. The beautiful parent-child relationship was spoiled.
Now, who
do you think was at fault? The girl or the uncle or the mother?
Let us analyze on how to deal with various situations of child abuse:
My
child and my relatives are important to me in the above incident. How can we deal in such situations?
We,
as adults, should act with awareness. When a child tells his/her parent that
he/she is uncomfortable with someone or does not want to go to someone’s house,
we need to take it seriously. When a child says openly that something awkward
has happened to him/her, we need to remain stable and completely trust him/ her.
Most of the time, kids are abused by someone, who is very well known to the
family (friends, relatives, neighbors, teachers). We need to understand that
the child is in some shock and is scared internally. So, we can follow the
below steps to help the child:
1. Parents need to remain completely
stable, in order to guide our child.
2. Trust the child,
irrespective of whatever may be our relation with the abuser. Never reject the
child by doubting him/her.
3. Make the child feel
he/she is absolutely pure as before, he/she was not wrong, it was not his/her
mistake. Empower him/her and uplift his/her self confidence.
4. Speak to the child in a
very loving and affectionate manner about the ways to face the abuser and other
people in future.
5. Do not threaten the
child but just create awareness for his/her own safety.
6. Since this is child
abuse, we need to speak about this openly within family to the abuser. We need to let him know
that we (parents), know about this and this act is unacceptable. We also need to
clearly state that, the child is innocent and it is not his/her mistake but the
mistake of the abuser. The child needs to listen to our conversations. This
will build the child’s self esteem and increase the faith in parents.
Moreover, this will surely prevent the abuser from repeating such acts with
anybody else in the family.
7. We should not fear and
hide this incident, with a thought as to what the society would think about the
child and family. If hidden, the abuser gets a lot of confidence to repeat this mistake with other children too.
Once
resolved, try to forgive the abuser and forget about the incident, never even
think or talk about it to anyone.
The
above steps seem easy to read, but just imagine the state of parents when they
come to know about their child being abused. Remaining stable is almost impossible.
How can we stay calm?
Yes, I understand. As parents, it is
our responsibility to take utmost care of our kids. When they are in some
problem, it is our duty to help them relax and solve the problem gradually.
This is possible only when we remain emotionally stable. Ways to remain stable
in this situation:
·
Understand
that the child is in a higher pain, shock and fear.
·
Understand
that the kid needs a lot of acceptance, love and security.
When we
understand this, it is easy to help him/ her. If we too are filled with pain,
anger and fear, we will not be able to empathize with the child. When
we are filled with anger and hatred towards the abuser, we may react rudely
which will further provoke him to misbehave with the child and family.
There
are children who do not know that they are being abused. They think it as a
game. How can we help them in such situations?
Whenever a child shows special
interest in playing with a person, we need to inquire in a very casual manner as
to
1. What games he/ she
plays,
2.
Why
does he/ she like playing with that person
3. What does he/ she eat in
their house
It is good
to meet the friends or people with whom the child plays, now and then.
There
are also children who know that they are being misused but fear to tell
parents. There are people who threaten kids if they tell it to anyone. How can
we deal this matter?
As parents, we know how our kids react
and behave with people. When we feel any odd behavior in them like fear,
hesitating to meet someone or hatred, we need to attend the child at once. Talk
to him/ her patiently with lots of love. Give him/ her, a feeling that we are
there with him/ her always.
"Complete acceptance, love
and trust is the only key for kids to be open and free with parents."
There
are kids who involve in physical abuse purposefully. They hide it from parents
as they want to continue it. How can we deal with it?
Kids always, are close to people, who
accept and love them, the way they are. If parents can give them this abundant
unconditional love, kids would not involve in such acts. We parents, may have a
tough career life, misunderstandings/ fight with spouse or other family
members or health issues. If we reflect all our negative feelings towards the child, then he/
she is sure to feel rejected. It is then that he/ she starts to move on the
wrong side.
There
are many adults, aged 30 and above, who were abused in their childhood and
carry that emotional pain even now. They prefer being a spinster and have lost
trust in people. Can such people be helped in anyway?
Yes. This pain and mistrust was due to
the problem not being resolved in their childhood. We need to accept that
whatever had happened in the past is over. Irrespective of anything in the
past, we are pure and clean always. This is where spirituality helps us truly.
We are pure souls with a body. Yes, we need to keep our body clean, but if it had
been abused in the past, we need to clearly accept that it was not our mistake,
at that point of time. It was just our karma which we had to face. Let us not
hold our parents/ care takers responsible for it. They are always good. We need
to learn from it and move on in life with awareness. We need to forgive the
abuser and let it go. By forgiving the abuser, we are actually freeing
ourselves from the pain.
To know
about what karma is all about, please read
Now we
understand that when we (parents/ care takers) have true unconditional love and
acceptance towards children, it becomes easy and natural, to guide and free
them from problems like child abuse.
Thank you so much!!!
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