We all do
mistakes, don’t we? Be it kids or adults, we all commit mistakes. We know some
proverbs like “To err is human, to forgive is divine.” “Failures are the
stepping stones to success.” Though we know that mistakes do happen, at times,
we are unable to accept it, when its consequences are huge. We end up punishing
the person in some way. Does punishment help in realization and transformation?
Let us see…
I do a lot of mischiefs at school and
home like taking other’s things, fight with my friends, copy home works, I waste
food, mess up my cupboard, I keep things here and there and a lot more. At times, I feel bad for some time and then I
am OK. I want my elders to keep correcting me gently without scolding or
punishing me.
Say,
you are a child (aged 13-25 years), when you do mistakes how would you feel?
How would you want your parents/ teachers to deal with it?
The main mistake I do is, I don’t study
well. I love to play and chat with my friends which I am not allowed to for a
long time. So I lie at times and escape. I know it is bad to lie but I feel I should,
for me to feel comfortable. In this age, all elders become very strict and I am
forced to cheat them. I don’t call them “mistakes”, I call them a way to keep
me going. But yes, when I know that I will be caught, I get scared of the
punishments. I feel like running away.
I want them
to be friendly with me and correct me in a loving manner.
Very
true. No child wants punishment, in fact, none of us like being punished.
Say,
you are an adult, when you do mistakes how would you feel? How would you want
your parents/ teachers to deal with it?
Well,
at this age, I have reasons for all that I do, both good and bad. I don’t like
people pointing out my mistakes and advising me because I am an adult. I know
what to do. Actually my ego is my problem. At times, yes, I accept my mistakes
and promise myself not to repeat it. I want my relatives/ friends/ colleagues
to understand me and help me out in correcting myself.
So
it is clear. Any person, irrespective of age, wants only love, understanding
and support in rectifying one’s mistakes. Then why do we punish???
Teachers
punish kids like “get out of the class, stand on the bench, hands up”, etc. Parents
also shout and scold them. They punish emotionally like “Don’t talk to me, stay
away from me”, lock them in a room, etc. They also beat them depending on the
severity of the mistake. Are punishments given to make kids/ people feel
guilty? There is a belief, “Guilt leads to realization.” Is it true?
The intention of all teachers/ parents
is very pure. It is only to mould the kids in a good manner. But punishment
creates fear and hatred towards the elders. The
most subtle feeling that is created in the mind of every child is GUILT.
Whenever a child makes a mistake, we only need to tell him/ her repeatedly, in
an affectionate and assertive manner, as to why it is not good for the child and
the right way to behave. Every time we punish or term them as “you are a bad
girl/ boy, you are always dirty, you are unfit, you cannot do it, you are a
loser”, etc, the child begins to believe it. This lowers the self respect (self
esteem/ confidence) of the child. Can such a weak child work towards realization?
When some
kids/ people behave normal, i.e. are ok after committing a mistake, we say, “Look,
she is not even guilty for her mistake? What a shame?” Does this mean that feeling
guilty is good?
What
is guilt?
Anger towards the self is called guilt. It is the most damaging
emotion for the self.
When another person is angry with us, it will be for a short duration. At
times, when we know that we are right or can justify our action, we can resist
the other person’s anger. But when we are angry with ourselves, it is for a
very long time and we succumb to it too. We need to live for 24 hours with the
person who is angry with us. Thoughts involved in guilt,
“I am wrong, I am a bad person, all that happened is because of me, I am unfit,
I have lost, I am the cause of other’s sufferings, I am just useless, I am
always rude, I am a dull headed person”, etc.
When
do we feel guilty?
When we
know that we have committed a mistake and curse ourselves for it, we are in
guilt. A child feels guilty when he/ she is punished or scolded by elders.
At
school, a teacher has to deal with nearly 40 – 60 children at a time. It is not
an easy job. It is impossible to remain patient, soft and affectionate to
correct each one. Punishment is the only easiest and best way to deal them.
Teacher is a very responsible position
in society. Children look at teachers as “the perfect person”. They consider,
all that teachers tell as “absolutely right”. When such a person punishes and
terms a child as stated above, the child starts believing and feeling the
teacher’s words. I understand that it is not an easy job; it requires a lot of
love, patience and commitment. Children are in the
age where their self esteem/ self image is being created. So we all need
to be very loving towards them. We teach them right and wrong. But the mistake
we make is, every time a child does something wrong, we
call them “bad”. This gets deeply registered in their minds. So whenever
a child does a mistake, he/ she thinks, “I am bad”
and this is very very damaging for him/ her. It will not help in any
realization/ transformation; instead it pulls the kid down. Let us separate the
deed and the person. Let us correct the mistake and
not attack the person.
If we scold or punish a child in-order to make him feel guilty, he will grow up to be an adult who curses himself and others for mistakes. Is this good?
Most of us (both kids and adults), before doing anything, first think “what will others think about me?” Let us analyze..
Kids
hesitate to speak in a new language or even ask a doubt because of this
thought. Why?
It is natural for kids to laugh at
very small things in life. So, when someone does or says something, which they
feel funny, they laugh out. But at the same time, every child does not like
when this is done (others laugh at me). This is a subtle feeling of guilt. They
tend to think, “Am I wrong? Have I told anything funny
or meaningless? I do not know even this?”, etc. The child then feels
very low but will get back to normal soon. As these scenes repeats very often, such
thoughts will get grooved so deeply into the child’s mind that he/ she will not
attempt to speak out or try something new in future. Such kids will prefer to
remain in their shell. As they grow up, if not guided properly, they will be
highly prone to depression and loneliness because of this guilt feeling.
How
can we help kids in this aspect?
We, as parents/ teachers, can train
children not to laugh or speak ill about others in such situations and also
help them to handle such awkward reactions. We can motivate and encourage kids
to come out of their comfort zone and learn something new. Train them to think
the below:
·
1. If
people/ friends laugh at me, it is OK. I am learning something new and this is
important to me.
·
2. Completely
trust in yourself. Believe that “I can and will learn/ do it”.
·
3. Politely,
ask your friends to help you in learning instead of laughing/ mocking.
4. It is
always effective to tell kids what and how to behave instead of what not to do.
We
adults too, behave based on what others would think about us. Why? How to
change?
We adults are a bit complicated,
means, we think too much and mess up ourselves. Many times, we depend on others
appreciation, for us to feel good. We also judge others behavior and change
ourselves accordingly. Before doing/ speaking anything, all that it matters is:
·
Am I speaking/ doing the right?
·
Is it necessary? Is it useful?
·
Is it the best way I can speak/ do it?
When people
laugh or talk bad about us, we take it as insult. We then, avoid such people or
behave indifferently with them. Let us not think too much about others. People
will always behave in a way that they feel is right and we have no control over
it. Molding ourselves in a positive manner is the best that we can do, for our
benefit. Motivate the self and completely trust in the self.
There are
many bigger scenes in life like a business loss, an accident, loss of a person,
problems in relationships, etc. We may be involved in such acts but will not be
the reason for such happening. Yet we blame ourselves and get into deep guilt.
Example:
John lived
alone in Delhi in a house. His mother was in another city. For a few days he
called her to stay with him. His mother, on the way, met with an accident and
died.
When such
incidents happen, it is extremely painful. We think “I should
not have called her, it was my mistake, I knew my mother was old, I should have
accompanied her, it was because of me that she died, what sort of a son I am, I
killed my mother, etc”. These thoughts make us feel so guilty, that we
live in the past for many many years.
Guilt
depletes our energy to such an extent that we become unfit to do anything else
in life.
During such situations, we just need to remain emotionally stable, accept the situation and act responsibly. It is natural to feel sad and miss the person but, if we blame and curse ourselves for it, we are only weakening ourselves. We will be unable to help other family members who are dependent on us or who are also deeply affected.
In case of a business loss or failure in exams/ career or relationships, instead of falling into guilt, we just need to accept this scene in life and take steps for a better future. GUILT will only pull us down and keep us in a state which will ruin us and hence struggles continue to double.
During such situations, we just need to remain emotionally stable, accept the situation and act responsibly. It is natural to feel sad and miss the person but, if we blame and curse ourselves for it, we are only weakening ourselves. We will be unable to help other family members who are dependent on us or who are also deeply affected.
In case of a business loss or failure in exams/ career or relationships, instead of falling into guilt, we just need to accept this scene in life and take steps for a better future. GUILT will only pull us down and keep us in a state which will ruin us and hence struggles continue to double.
Spiritual
knowledge helps us a lot in such situations. No person is responsible for such happenings;
we are bound by one’s own karma.
To know what
karma is all about, please read http://a-new-way-of-living.blogspot.in/2016/10/my-destiny-my-fate-wish-i-had-it-in-my.html
Hence
we understand that anger and cursing the self is guilt, which completely depletes
the strength of an individual. Let us overcome it by accepting our mistakes and
taking corrective steps for a better future. Let us believe in our capabilities
and motivate others too in a positive approach.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
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