STRENGTHENING RELATIONSHIPS

We all play a role of multiple relationships in a lifetime. We play the role of a daughter/ son, a brother/ sister, a parent, friend, spouse, grandparents, teacher, student, aunt, uncle, etc. All these relationships are God’s gift to each one of us. We need to strengthen it with lots of love and acceptance. But are we able to build strong relationships for a lifetime? What is essential to build strong relationships? Let us see…

Are you married?

Yes, I am married for the past 8 years.

Good. Do you stay with your in-laws?

We stayed with our in-laws a few years back. For the past 3 years we (my husband, kids and I) stay in another house.

Are you attached to your family?

Yes, I am very much attached, I love them.

Can you tell me what attachment is?

Attachment is being involved with people we care about. When I am attached with my family, I can easily understand their feelings and be supportive to them.

Say, if your husband gets upset with something and speaks a little harsh with you and kids, how would you deal with it?

Speaking harsh/ shouting/ using bad words/ any sort of violence is not allowed in my family. So, I will either pull him out of the scene or ask him to stay quiet. If a little anger is needed to settle him, then I will have to be harsh too.

You said you are attached, meaning, you will be supportive. Does this reaction help you to have a good relationship with your husband?

I need peace and happiness in family. So in order to maintain it, I will have to be more powerful. It happens to all. Everyone gets angry when things are not their way.
Let us not bother about ALL. Let us just look only and only about myself. What all people do, may not be right always. When we say "ALL", we feel as though it is normal and good. Let us just focus only on "what I think, how I feel and how my behavior is!!"

Being powerful lies in controlling ourselves and not in controlling others. When we are attached to people, we tend to copy their emotions, like,

If one is happy, the other is also happy.😀

If one is angry then the other is also in anger.😡

If one is in pain, the other is also in pain.😢

If you love me, I love you💖. If you hate me, I will also hate you👿.

When our state of mind is controlled or changes, depending on others, we cannot be supportive to the needs of others. We need to be detached.

Detached??? When we are detached, relationships break. We remain cold/ insensitive to people. How can detachment help??

 Detachment means being detached (not attached) from the influence of people and situations. We need to keep our state of mind, unaffected by state of mind of others. In other words, the remote control of our mind should lie with us and not with others. By being so, we will be able to understand people from their perspective and be helpful to all. Nowadays, even a stranger on the road has the remote control of our mind? Isn’t it?? Someone slightly touches our vehicle and there we are, at the peak of anger; shouting at him.

How? Can you explain?

Say a couple had planned to go out for dinner. But the husband returns home late from office and speaks a little rudely with his wife. If the wife is attached, she will be hurt. She will either revert back the same rudeness towards him or will avoid seeing/ talking to him.

If we really care for each other, we would understand the difficulties of the other and try to calm them. This is detachment. Instead if we also get hurt or become angry whenever another is upset/ disturbed, will it help anyone??

Any relationship is bound with love, care, concern and acceptance. In case of any financial crisis or physical hurt (accident/ ill health) within family/ friends, we are able to understand and help each other. But when people are emotionally disturbed, are we able to understand and support them??

“We tend to judge others easily by their behavior; instead, if we try to understand the reason behind the behavior and help them, our relationships would be much stronger.”

When others do not agree with our definition of right (what we feel right), we try to force our opinion. In this process, the other feels as though he/ she is being controlled and would further move away. If we truly care for our family/ friends, we only need to keep giving our suggestions/ opinions/ advises only for their benefit and give them the time to accept it. To understand how life situations can be dealt without anger and force, please click http://a-new-way-of-living.blogspot.in/2016/10/feeling-powerful-does-it-lie-in.html

Examples to show how detachment strengthens relationships:

    1.     When a girl is married, she spends most of her life with her in-laws and husband. There may be some/ lots of difference in opinions between them. The girl might have felt hurt a few times. After a few months, when she goes to meet her parents, she cries out to them about her in-laws and their behavior.

Attached:

If the mother was too attached, she would also end up feeling bad for her daughter. She would support her daughter and blame the in-laws. She would also create a negative opinion about the in-laws and ask her daughter to behave indifferently towards them. Will this reaction of the mother help her daughter to lead a happy married life?? Will it help her to have good relationships with her in-laws??

Detachment:

Now if the mother was detached, she would understand that the daughter was right from her perspective and the in-laws were also right from their perspective. The way both were brought up, the way they think, their way of talking and interpreting things, their habits, etc are all bound to be different. Mostly, people do not hurt others intentionally. We take their words too seriously (personally) and create hurt. If the mother advises this way and sends her daughter back with loads of love and compassion towards her in-laws, it would help the girl to accept, understand and live a happy married life.

     2.     A husband and wife had planned to go for dinner. But the husband had a tough day at office. He had many issues (problems) and deadlines at work and had a tough time with his boss. So he returns home late night. Because of this, he gets mentally disturbed and orders his wife to cook something and serve.

Attached:

If the wife was attached to her husband, she would revert back harshly, like, “we had planned to go out for dinner 10 times and this time you promised that you will make it but failed.  You should have at least informed me before or should have gone to some hotel and parceled our favorite dishes. You come so late and talk so rudely with me?? It was foolish of me to believe in you. You just don’t care about me; it is always about you, your work….. ”

 Detached:

When the wife is detached, she will try to understand her husband, like, “Why are you a bit rude? What happened? You are generally not like this? Did you have a bad day today? Are you ok?? Just give me some time I’ll make it.” Or if the wife is tired, “can we order our favorite dishes from ABC hotel? I am also very tired today. Don’t worry, everything will be fine tomorrow.”

          Which reaction of the wife would help??

          “When we remain unaffected by other people’s negative talks/ behavior, we retain calmness and this helps us understand people and situations as they really are.”

When detachment makes life so meaningful, why do people term detached as being cold/ insensitive towards the need of family, friends and others? Especially people who are involved in spiritual discourses or who are a part of any spiritual organization are termed so, why?

          This is because many of us do not implement our knowledge in the right perspective. Every spiritual organization teaches people to be calm, peaceful and happy. They teach us to change our inner self, i.e. remain emotionally calm, think only the good and so think less and be powerful- means, keep our mind in our control and not let it fluctuate as per our surroundings. But some people  implement it externally, i.e. being very quiet, not involving in family related activities, blindly accepting all situations (happy/ struggles) and not responding to it in any way, with a false assumption that it was bound to happen and God will take care of it, discussing only spiritual based topics, etc.

“Spirituality is the truth and guides us in the right direction through simple means. The problem lies in how we interpret the knowledge we have learned and the means of implementing it.”

Excellent. Detachment truly helps. But how do we remain detached? During struggles/ challenging situations we are prone to get irritated, angry, stressed and hurt. How do we overcome this?

          We need to understand that each one of us is filled with love, peace, happiness and compassion. In a family/ work place, it is the acceptance and love that binds us. Instead of always expecting others to understand us, we need to take a step forward and understand others.

“If others are rude or behave in an indifferent manner, at least, let us be calm.

If we consider others behavior to be wrong, at least let us be right.”

During such situations, we need to tell to ourselves, “I am a peaceful soul, I am filled with love, I care for him/ her, being peaceful is my nature, I am God’s own child and so am always compassionate.” Keep telling this again and again and try to find ways to calm the situation and solve issues in a loving manner.

When we practice detachment in this manner, we eventually get detached from our own weaknesses like anger, short temper, impatience, suspicion (doubting others), hurt, worry, stress, etc.

Never ever react at once during struggles/ challenging situations. We need to calm down ourselves, think peacefully and logically what needs to be done to bring about a positive result.

Now I understand that when we are emotionally attached to our loved ones, we end up hurting ourselves and complicate life. Detachment helps us to see people’s behavior and situations in a broader and deeper perspective. I will be detached from the influence of others emotions because it makes me calm and compassionate. Most importantly, it brings harmony and strengthens my relationships.

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

Many blogs related to true values and principles are in the below page. Click on and enjoy... Read it, experiment it, accept it, own it and enjoy life. Please do SHARE it with one and all!!!
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http://a-new-way-of-living.blogspot.in/ 

References:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vu4E5iFSZDo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzkuQ7Cuhww

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RESPECTING PEOPLE

    1.       Do I respect people? If so who?

Yes, I respect all elders, my parents, grandparents, husband, in-laws, friends, colleagues and relatives. I respect nature, the world and everything.

     2.       Do I respect my kids? Do they need respect?

Kids? I don’t think so, should I respect them? They should respect me. I love and care for them, in fact, I live for them. Respect all elders, I was taught this since my childhood.

     3.       Do people respect me? From whom do I expect it?

Yes, my kids respect me. I expect it from my staffs, people who report to me, my colleagues and people like watchman, ironman, servant maids, milk man, newspaper man, post man, shopkeepers and many more.

    4.       What makes me feel that they respect me?

I feel respected when

a)      My kids listen and obey me without questioning me

b)      My staffs and colleagues work exactly the way I want them to/ the way it has been asked to do.

c)       Kids, Watchman, ironman, servants and other people salute/ wish me or stand up when they see me.

d)      People offer me something to eat/ drink when I go to their house.

e)      If I am an elder person in the house, the young ones get blessing from me by touching my feet.

    5.       When do I feel disrespected?

I feel disrespected when any of the above points are not met. Moreover, when someone does not wish/ reply to me when I do, I feel disrespected.

    6.       What is respect?

Respect is “complete acceptance of people, irrespective of they doing anything, that I feel is not right”. Not being judgmental about anyone (not even the self), no blaming, no controlling, and no criticizing.

When we say “Accept people as they are”, we quickly get a thought as “So, should I allow them to do what they want, irrespective of whether it is good or bad? Should advices, suggestions, orders and guidance not be given to anyone?”

No, it only means, understand that people are different and they can have their own opinions/ choices. We need to split the person and their behavior.

Respect is within, what we think about each other.

A watchman can salute/ wish me physically, yet think, “oh no, why did I ever see this man”.

My colleague can wish me in the morning, “Good morning, so nice to see you”, but may think, “Think of the devil and here he comes”. Is this respect?

Respect is the image I create about someone and that image does not depend on that person, it totally depends on the purity of my consciousness. 

If I am pure, loving, positive and unbiased, I will have a good image but if I am in pain, hurt and negativity then I will create a very bad image of that person. So respect depends only on my state of mind and never ever on any person.

We have heard of a very strong belief, “Give respect and take respect.” Is this true? Is respect a commodity of exchange? Respect, love, trust, faith are all one way feelings, the moment I expect it from others, I lose it.  All feelings are our creation.

We (our behavior/ attitude) have become so dependent on others that we have lost our own personality because of them, as we blame them for our feelings. Like, if he behaves differently, I will get angry, if he cheats me then I will ruin his career, if he disrespects me, I will disrespect him too, if he is bad to me, I will also be bad to him.

When I say, “I respect my teachers”, it means I admire them, their qualities, I accept all that they say and I believe them. I will never be judgmental about them. At times if their deeds slightly differ from what I feel as “right”, I will try to understand them from their perspective and empathize with them.

When it is my kids, I expect them to respect me, but how can I expect when I don’t show them what it is? Parents need to respect their children and it only means to accept them as an individual.

Example:

Nowadays, before marriage, the girl and the boy spend time with each other, know each one’s likes/ dislikes and fall in love. In this beautiful period,

•          They accept each other, means, non judgmental/ not criticizing on the other person’s behavior (accept each one's behavior). 
  
•       They understand one another’s feelings
•       They respect each other’s opinions and at times adopt them too. 
•       They think absolutely the best for one another, make the other happy, 
•       They are ready to apologize for one’s mistakes, 
•       They value each other so much.

Here acceptance is more and expectation is less.

But after marriage, the two are bound to differ in their opinions and belief systems. In a simple case like if, the wife believes that black is an unlucky color and will not buy or use anything that is black. The husband does not believe this. Now, if he begins to get irritated because of his wife’s belief and forces her to change it and wears everything in black, will it work?  This is disrespect. The more we get judgmental on people and try to change them, we are rejecting them and the more we reject them, we are disrespecting them. Disrespect is not healthy in any relationship. Signs of disrespect: whenever we feel:

•          Why are you so erratic?
•       You are wrong, don’t you know even this?
•       Why do you want to dress/ talk/ eat/ sleep/ walk like this,
•       You are troubling me, you are irritating,...
•       You are always cunning/ lazy/ suspecting/...
•       You never understand/ listen/ care/ help/...

Never ever target the person. All of us are very pure and good within. The world is so beautiful because we all are different and so are our views/ opinions/ choices/ skills. We just need to understand and accept this fact. People/ kids are bound to make mistakes. We can empower/ encourage them and respond positively to correct them. This is respect. Respect the doer and not the action.

    7.       Does fear also means respect?

No never.  Fear is a very negative energy, it creates hatred. I cannot love a person I fear of. There is another belief “Fear God”. Should we fear God?  Respect is a positive energy, it binds a relationship.

Kids can obey elders out of fear or kids can obey elders out of respect. Which one would you prefer? When it is fear, they do listen and obey us, but only because, of the fear of punishment. When they respect us, they understand why they need to obey us and so they do it with love and commitment. They understand that we care for them.

    8.       Is it right to expect respect?

The more we respect others; it will find its way back to us. We should be respected for what we are within and not for what we are outside (status, style, color, designation, education, etc).
If I have the power to accept anything, irrespective of the result, then I can expect, i.e. the result should not have an impact on me, if it has, then expectation will be the cause of my misery. Expect but have the power to accept the result.

Example: Expecting my child to score 95% and more. I can encourage, empower and prepare my kid to score high. I can tell my child, I know you will score above 95%, you can do it and it is so easy. But if I tell her, you should score above 95%, it gives a feeling to the child, that if you don’t score I’ll be unhappy, now it is no more concern and care, it becomes pressure.

****

God, our supreme mother and father, the controller of the entire universe, our best friend, accepts us, no matter however we are, He loves and cares for us irrespective of our behavior.

GOD RESPECTS US, we are His own children, so can’t we?

****

To listen to a teaching regarding this blog, please click below:
https://youtu.be/9mySxwQPlkU 

https://youtu.be/0LuG8KJ9g2c

THANKS A LOT

Many blogs related to true values and principles are in the below page. Click on and enjoy... Read it, experiment it, accept it, own it and please do SHARE it with one and all!!!
https://www.facebook.com/TrueValuesandPrinciples/
http://a-new-way-of-living.blogspot.in/ 

Read More